


The First Order watches Attack of the Clones

by DarthLumpy



Series: The First Order Watches Star Wars Films as a Historical Exercise [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Attack of the Clones, Hux and Ren Fight over their Educations, Hux vomits, Multi, Parody, The Force Awakens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-23 16:52:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9666488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarthLumpy/pseuds/DarthLumpy
Summary: After a fun watching of The Empire Strikes Back, Supreme Leader Snoke forces the First Order to endure Attack of the Clones.





	1. Chapter 1

Four stormtroopers gathered together in the hall. They had bonded in the barracks, and were known by their designations among the staff as FN-2199, FN-2000, FN-2003 and FN-2187. Among themselves they were Nines, Zeroes, Slip and Eight-Seven, though the later was usually just FN-2187 because Eight-Seven never really suited him. The four of them were being gathered yet again, along with the rest of the stormtroopers, officers and some of the personal for yet another historical film. The last , they called it The Empire Strikes Back, was very entertaining, in spite of it being a bit of a history lesson, and they had high hopes again for this one. The last one gave them a good idea of how horrible stormtroopers had been during the time of the Empire and the Galactic Civil War, and this film was supposed to have taken place just prior to the Clone Wars, so they didn't know what to expect. As they chatted in the hall, they were interupted by their commander, Captain Phasma, a menacing and guiding presence to them all. She gave them no choice, but to move towards the auditorium and take a seat, and await the base leader, General Hux.

General Hux walked to the podium, cleared his throat, motioned for Lieutenant Mitaka to come towards him, whispered something and Mitaka took his leave from the room. General Hux then maintained his composure, looked around the room with the authority he commanded and said “I have gathered you all here today to educate you yet again with the chance to watch some rare footage from the history of the galaxy. As many of you have already heard, this footage will take place sometime just before and leading up to the Clone Wars. It was taken from various buildings and cameras and the like and had been suppressed by the Emperor for many years. We were able to obtain it from the personal archives of one, Mas Amedda, who had worked with the Emperor closely. Supreme Leader Snoke has given the go ahead to release this footage for the entire First Order to view. I myself have not seen any of this, so it will be new to me as well. Since you all seemed to enjoy the last film so much, the one that took place during the Galactic Civil War, we thought it might be both informative and entertaining as well. I have brushed myself up on my history of the period, so I may give insight.” Hux gives Ren a look. “There will also be a lot of footage of the Jedi Order as well. Though much of that has been suppressed historically, we have the rare opportunity to study how they worked and corrupted the government of that time. Perhap Ren might have something to add having been taught by the neo Jedi Luke Skywalker? There will be some information on the clone facility that was in use at the time, as well as the use of battle droids. Some of you may have seen a few of those in use here and there at various times. We don't know what the lowsome resistance will pull out of their sleeves in the future so pay attention. Any questions?” 

“What side should we be supporting in this film?” Captain Phasma asked.

“Sides, sides, I would say the Emperor's side, though he is a Chancellor in this film. History tells us that in the end, he was working to bring down the Jedi who were the real villains in the war.” General Hux answered. “Sides may be arbitrary as well, the Emperor and his ilk failed in many things, but did provide a stability we can learn from. It may appear the Jedi and the Republic are working together, but pay attention, perhaps they are not. Ah, Mitaka has returned. Since you made such a mess with the popcorn last time, but did clean it up, we decided to just give you popcorn and drinks prior to the film, and I can't stress this enough. IF YOU LEAVE THIS ROOM WITH ANY POPCORN OR SPILLS ON THE FLOOR, YOU WILL BE PUT ON SNOW REMOVAL DUTY WITHOUT ANY WEATHER GEAR! Is that understood? Good. Without further ado, we present the film.”

The crowd gasps as ships appear in the sky, strange historic ships that look brand new. “Sir, what is on that young woman's head?” an officer notes in the back. 

Everyone immediately gives him a “shhhhhhhhhh”.

Kylo Ren sits up as he recognizes Artoo coming down off the ship. 'Not another home movie' he thinks to himself.

“Whoa!!! Explosions!” A bunch of stormtroopers in the back call out. 

Captain Phasma calls back at them “There will be silence! In the future, that explosion you see may be the one to take you out. Pay attention!”

General Hux says “Brilliant. I must get a look a like to pose as me, for protection. I know I have a huge target on my own head.” Kylo Ren rolls his eyes under his mask.

Kylo Ren thinks to himself. 'Artoo, but I don't recognize any of these people, maybe he just looks like Artoo' and relaxes a little 'Senator Amidala? Where have I heard that before?'.

“Oh the Emperor. And look! It's that troll from the other movie, only he isn't in a swamp! The blue thing with the horns? That's Mas Amedda who we have to thank for saving this footage.” General Hux notes and tells the group.

“Does anyone know who these senators are? Which ones are Jedi?” Captain Phasma asks.

Kylo Ren stays quiet when he recognizes Bail Organa, his mother's adopted father. His New Republic childhood education at work. His image was drilled into his head as a youngling.

“Is the younger one the older one's slave? He called him 'master'” Mitaka asks

“He's a Jedi. They call their teachers that.” Kylo Ren says with a grumble. “I feel sorry for the man's 'master', his apprentice seems a bit daft.”

“Just what kind of creature is that thing? And can anyone understand him?” General Hux says when he hears Jar Jar Binks greet the Jedi. “Kenobi? Oh, the ghost with the troll from the last movie.”

“Guess we know what happens to him then, Sir?” Captain Phasma says with a laugh.

“Well, his apprentice is a bit of a..” Kylo Ren starts.

“Dork? Yes, no wonder the Jedi had to be wiped out, with the likes of them in their midst.” Hux replied. “Very observant, Ren.”

Then Kylo Ren hear's it. 'Tatooine? Tatooine? Oh no, please no please? It can't be him.'

“Well, they are just sitting. I hope there isn't a lot of sitting around in this movie.” Hux observes.

'Oh kriff. He said Anakin. It has to be.... It can't be.' Kylo Ren says outloud “Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

“Calm down, Ren. What's wrong? You aren't going to throw up again are you? What is it with you and holos and getting excited? Do you need a medic?” Hux says in an almost mocking way.

“Hold on, this man says he hasn't seen this woman in 10 years and thought about her everyday? He looks like a kid? What was he? Nine maybe? Who falls in love at nine? Who is this person?” Captain Phasma says out loud very puzzled and a bit confused.

“I don't know Phasma. Perhaps it was a different time, or this man was a bit mentally inept. Perhaps he doesn't live through the film.” General Hux said. 

Kylo Ren just hopes it's not Grandfather. 'Oh kriff, it really is Artoo. I can't ever seem to get away from this family.' 

“Ewwwwww, bugs!!!” some officers cried in the back.

“These men fight like they are married.” Lieutenant Mitaka noted. 

“Shhhhhhh That guy just jumped out the window!!!!!!” the stormtroopers in the back chorused.

“Coruscant in it's full glory. What the New Republic did to it, such a slum. Maybe we should destroy it first.” Hux stated.

“It was a slum then as well, if you went down far enough. What did your First Order history books say, Hux? There were efforts to improve living conditions in Coruscant during the New Republic.” Kylo Ren states with a smugness to get under Hux's skin.

“You aren't going on again about your New Republic propaganda again are you, Ren. I assure you that the First Order knew the full truth about your New Republic and it's evil and how it let it's systems down. Sometimes I wonder if you are really on our side.” Hux said with a sneer.

“I think we need to improve the education that the First Order is teaching it's younglings is all.” Ren replied. 

“I don't know what kind of family you came from, Ren, but my father was in charge of education for our First Order and I had the benefit of that. I tell you now that you are mistaken on a great many things, we were building a world outside the New Republic and wherever you came from, you had no idea. Not your teachers, not your schools, not your lowsome Jedi teacher Skywalker! How is it that you are even here with us at all?” Hux replied.

“I suggest you take this up with Supreme Leader, Hux. You know what I am capable of. I suggest you don't....”

“Sirs, if you don't mind, this chase is getting kind of exciting, if you please, sit down.” Captain Phasma asked.

Hux and Ren quietly returned to their seat, both extremely irritated with the other.

“Maybe that apprentice isn't so dumb, he just went to find a speeder, instead of flying on whatever object just happened to be floating around.” Hux stated.

“Sir, I still think he is kind of dumb.” Phasma noted.

“It's disgraceful how his master degrades his apprentice.” Kylo Ren notes.

“Oh, suddenly, we are on the side of the apprentice is it, Ren?” Hux asks.

“He does seem to be an excellent pilot. Pilots in the back, take note.” Hux looked back at the pilots sitting a few rows back.

“But sir, he's only on a speeder?” a pilot responds.

“Oh no, it's that “Use the Force” nonsense.” a stormtrooper in the back says outloud.

Kylo Ren gets up, looks around. “Who said that? Who said that? I will not have anyone disrespect the Force!” 

FN-2000 and FN-2199 point to a trooper sitting behind them. Kylo Ren lifts him up from his seat, flies him up front, brings him up to his face, and says, “What about that Force nonsense?” 

“Uh uh, I'm sorry, Sir. I should have never doubted.” the stormtrooper said meekly.

“Return him to his seat, Ren” Hux said with a sigh. 

Kylo Ren looks at him and says, “Thank You.” and puts him down.

The trooper asks, “May I go to the bathroom, Sir”

Hux looks at him, gives a disgusted look and says “Oh, alright. Hurry back.” and shakes his head.

Ren hear's 'Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me.' in the film. He let's out a laugh. “Oh enjoying this now, Ren?” Hux says.

“It's just that I think he really might be the death of him, Hux.” Kylo Ren replies and for that moment, remembers that Vader kills Kenobi and feels a bit better that that guy might be Grandfather after all.

“Sir, what are death sticks?” Captain Phasma asks?

Hux looks on his datapad, he doesn't know. “Uh, it's some type of drug. It must be out of use now.” 

Kylo Ren shakes his head and laughs to himself. If they only knew what goes on in the galaxy beyond their own knowledge. “Ask one of those criminal organizations who fund the First Order. They may know.” he answers. Hux, Phasma and other officers give him a strange look.

“Ah, it looks like our esteemed Emperor is fond of this young Jedi. Maybe there is more to him than what it seems.” Hux says. 

“I still say he is a bit of a dork, Sir.” Captain Phasma replies.

“Well, he did say he thought he would turn out better than that little green troll.” Hux said with a sneer.

“Yes, let us hope so.” Kylo Ren says, with a bit of worry.

“Still, he is a Jedi, and we know they must not be trusted.” Hux says giving Ren a look. “Can we get a floating chair like that? I want one.” Hux says. 

“Do you think you can be taken seriously in one, Sir? I mean, the 'troll' as you call him is using one.” Phasma said.

“Perhaps not, though I think my troops all take me seriously at all times, isn't that right. I SAID ISN'T THAT RIGHT?” Hux says.

The crowd mumbles an affirmative.

“Wait, wait. Hold on here.” Ren laughs. “She's leaving that foolish Gungan in charge?” Laughs and laughs and it sounds even more funny behind his mask.

“Control yourself, Ren” Hux exclaims.

“Obi-Wan, Not Fair. YEAH!” Ren gets out of his chair and tightens his fist.

“Ren!” Hux says as he gets up and gives him a look, and he sits back down.

Ren picks up a bucket of popcorn with the Force and pours it on Hux's head.

“Oh, we are doing this again. Well, just make sure you clean it up after the movie.” Hux looks towards a lower officer. “You there, get me some more popcorn.”

“Yes, Sir.” The officer says and gets up in a hurried, but worried stride.

“Sir, what is it with this Anakin fellow. He seems a bit of a pervert.” Captain Phasma says.

“Yes, they would have been wise to have just let someone else guard that young woman. He obviously has illicit things on his mind. Another way the Jedi has shown it's failure.” Hux replies.

“She doesn't seem to like it either. I imagine sexual harassment on a Senator has to have been a rule at that time. Even back then.” Captain Phasma states. “I would never put up with that. The way he says 'milady' it's unseemly.” 

Hux replies “Quite”

Kylo Ren thinks to himself 'Great Pop's was perv and so was Grandfather, if that was Grandfather, still hoping it's not. That, however, really is Artoo. No doubt about it now.' 

“How did they get around so easily in those ships!! The ships we have today are far superior!” A flight officer in the back remarks.

“Indeed” states Hux.

“Finally, we are getting to the Clones!” Kylo Ren says loudly outloud.

“Jawa juice? Is that just a drink?” FN-2199 whispers. 

“Isn't he going to order food? I would love some real food.” FN-2000 says.

“When have you had real food?” FN-2187 whispers to him.

“Love? Love? This guy smiles too much.” Hux states.

“And he has bad pickup lines. This woman is so naive, I bet it works. Look at her. Poor thing.” Captain Phasma says.

“Are you being sympathetic, Phasma?” Hux asks.

“Oh not at all, Sir. Just we should watch from such behavior from some of our troops.” Phasma says.

“Well, we do try to encourage children among our ranks, and this behavior seems to begat them.” Hux states.

“Yes, Sir, but however, Sir, I would hope our young ladies and gentlemen are much more intelligent to the lines given them to place them in positions they may or may not be ready for, and are not manipulated into something, well, stupid, with all due respect, Sir.” Captain Phasma stated.

Kylo Ren then thought to himself. 'Oh Force, this begat General Organa and Skywalker. Is that you Grandmother?'

“Oh look, the troll is teaching younglings. And he is shorter than they are. How amusing.” Hux states.

 

“When do we get to the war!” A chorus in the back say with a yawn.

“I agree, so far, this has been a lot of sitting around, except for the odd, speeder chase.” Captain Phasma stated.

“Who suggested this holo!” Kylo Ren asked.

“Supreme Leader ordered we watch it, Ren. Are you questioning Supreme Leader?” Hux said.

“Are you sure?” Kylo Ren asked.

“Yes, now, watch.” Hux demanded. 

“They can't even find a planet!” Captain Phasma says.

“You know as well as I, that some planets are left off maps for good purpose, Phasma.” Hux states. 

“Even the troll finds it amusing though, Sir.” Phasma says.

“See, that youngling even knew what happened, and this wise liar Obi-Wan Kenobi could not.” Kylo Ren said with a bit of anger. 'Oh Obi-Wan, so much damage you have done.' he thought to himself. 'Skywalker never saw it, but I did'. 

“Oh what a beautiful planet! Naboo, Sir? Does it still exist? Do you think we could take it for the First Order?” Captain Phasma asks.

“Oh Phasma, you know we will have them all. You like this one better than Bespin from the last film?” Hux asks.

“Maybe, let's see if we see more of it.” Phasma states. “And apparently, she used to be it's queen? And in this holo, the Senator? Must look up more on this person.” 

“A lot of information on her was erased from the archives for some specific, though I am sure important reason, Phasma. I am sure we can find something though. After the movie, just watch and take notes.” Hux says.

“Yes, Sir.” Says Phasma.

Kylo Ren guesses perhaps Vader had them erased, and with good reason. Vader always so very wise. Well maybe not when he was this young.

“That looks like that troublesome astromech from that other film. The one that Skywalker had. I am sure it's just a coincidence.” Hux said.

“Kamino, the clone facility. Take note Hux, we may need to use clones in the future. Perhaps this is why Supreme Leader wanted us to see this?” Kylo Ren stated.

“Are you questioning our methods, Ren? Our troops are quite amiable as they are, trained from birth. I suggest you drop that line of thinking, Ren. I am growing quite tired of it.” Hux said with a bit of a growl.

“Well, perhaps we will have to see then, Hux.” Kylo Ren said back to him angrily.

Hux just gave him a look.

“Kenobi looks completely clueless. He has no idea what they are telling him. What a fool.” Kylo Ren stated.

“I have to agree with you here, Ren.” Hux stated.

“Please say we are getting towards a war here, I know the Clone Wars happened, but so far, I am not impressed.” Phasma stated.

“Kriff, what is this about sand? He hates sand? What the hell? Why is this important? SAND! But but...” Kylo Ren started to get out of his seat.

“Ren, sit down, calm yourself. What has gotten into you?” Hux said.

“This place is very beautiful.” Mitaka stated. Kylo Ren shoved his arm.

“Ow Sir, why am I always seated next to you?” Mitaka stated. Kylo Ren knocked him in the elbow again. Mitaka just sat as far as he could on the other side of the seat. 

“Kiss her! Come on kiss her!! You know he wants to, he's all you know!!” someone shouted in the back.

“YEAH!!!” A chorus shouts in the back. 

Hux stands up, turns around “Calm yourselves! Quiet!!! Honestly!”

Quietly someone says “They are really going to town there, I think his tongue might even come out the other side.” 

“Seriously? It looks forced.” Another one says quietly.

“Well, it looks like someone has gotten intelligence here.” Phasma says, as the Senator catches her mistake and moves away from the Jedi.

“What is in all those bottles, they look like, like babies!” an officer says in surprise.

Another one says. “Didn't you pay attention? It's a cloning facility.”

“Oh” the first officer says with a slight embarrassment. “Those people all look the same!” 

“They are clones? How did you get this far in the First Order?” the second officer exclaims.

“My father and mother are officers as well.” The dimwitted officer says.

“Well, that explains a lot.” the second officer says. “Say, how about a game later.”

“Shhhhhhhhh” Captain Phasma says from the front row.

The two officers clam up.

“Jango Fett, Fett, Fett, wasn't Fett the name of that bounty hunter in the last movie?” Hux said.

“Boba Fett.” Kylo Ren stated.

“Ah yes, I wonder if they are related. It could just be a common name.” Hux said. “Look at that beautiful army of stormtroopers!!!” 

The audience marveled.

“Oh back to Naboo, this Jedi person, seems to be on the right track to politics. People don't know what they want, it is so much better to have someone wise tell them what to do. Which is why we have our Supreme Leader trying to make it right for us all. Don't you agree all?” Hux asks.

A chorus of yes! Yes! Yes! Is heard through out the room.

Kylo Ren thinks that the Senator reminds him of Leia Organa in her political views maybe something else, too. Oh no. It is Grandmother..

“Sir, are you ok.” Captain Phasma asks Hux.

“This is just a little nauseating is all, Phasma. If you will excuse me a moment.” Hux stepped outside.

“Awww young love.” Someone says in back.

Hux returns, sits down.

“Oh, Boba is his son. What a small galaxy, I guess he was that bounty hunter from the last movie we saw. Wonder if he is still around.” Hux says.

“He's not.” Kylo Ren says.

“How do you know?” Hux asks.

“I just do.” Kylo Ren said.

“What? Your special mind powers tell you?” Hux says.

“Maybe.” Kylo Ren says and just leans back. Force it was one of those stories he heard one too many times as a child.

“That kid has the look of 'Let me kill him for you Daddy'” says an officer in the back, and he laughs.

It makes Hux smile, just a little, but hopefully not enough to show.

“What an abuse of the use of the Force!” Kylo Ren states.

“How does he do that? I mean, the fruit is just floating around, and she's laughing.” Phasma says.

“Nauseating.” Hux states. He can't believe Supreme Leader suggest they watch this.

'Grandfather, why do you have to be such a pervert' Kylo Ren thinks to himself. 

“I'm getting uncomfortable.” Kylo Ren says.

“Oh grow up, Ren!” Hux shouts as he tries to hold back his own nausea. 

One of the female officers in the back swoons a bit and sighs loudly. “I wonder if he is still alive?” She asks.

“All the Jedi were justifiably wiped out by the Empire. I am sure he went with them.” Hux stated.

Kylo Ren whispers “Not all”

“What was that Ren?” Hux said. “Mitaka, what did he say?”

Meekly, Mitaka says “Not all” 

“Oh, you mean your teacher, Skywalker? Or that ghost of his, and that little green troll. Oh, I will give you that. I guess you are right there, for once. I almost forgot about that little green troll. Surely, this man was gone though. I can assure you of that!” Hux said.

Ren smiled behind his mask. 'Hux you fool' he said to himself.

“This man is too much, Sir. He's in agony and is haunted?” Captain Phasma said.

“Excuse me.” Hux leaves the room.

“At least she has some brains, it seems.” Phasma says. “Someone go check on Hux.” She points to Mitaka. “You go!”

Mitaka steps out with Hux. A few moments later, Hux comes in, wiping his mouth. Mitaka goes up to a junior officers and sends him out to clean up. Hux apparently has vomited outside the door.

“Ah, the green troll again. Obi-Wan doesn't seem to know what is going on. None of them know what's going on. No wonder they were defeated.” Hux said still wiping his mouth.

“What's wrong with him, Sir.” Captain Phasma says to Hux. He just shakes his head.

“Visions, nightmares.” Kylo Ren says. He knows them well.

Hux braces himself for another Senator Amidala/Jedi Anakin exchange. 

Kylo Ren thinks to himself that maybe his own parents bickering back and forth style of affection really wasn't that bad. He actually felt a little guilty, seeing Anakin in pain about his visions.

“Get him Jango!!” Yells a stormtrooper in the back.

“Drag that Jedi!” Yells another

“I will have to give it to this Kenobi, he is pretty brilliant, Sir.” Captain Phasma says.

“Who's side are you on, Phasma?” Hux states.

“That boy must have inherited the ship. I swear it's the same one from the last movie.” Hux states.

“Oh, what is this awful planet?” Phasma states.

“Tatooine” Kylo Ren says.

“Ah, horrible place. Thank you, Sir.” Phasma replies.

“Wait? Did he say 'Skywalker'” asked Hux

Silence.

“Wait, this Anakin, Anakin Skywalker? Hmm. That was Darth Vader, correct? Now, this is making some sense. I would think that Darth Vader was a bit different, I mean, well. He seems so, well... What do you think, Ren? Aren't you our Vader expert? Didn't you call this Anakin 'daft' earlier in the film?” Hux asks.

Kylo Ren just sits there and pretends he doesn't know what he is asking.

“Maybe that is how Skywalker, well, the son, anyway, got the droid. I assume that is the same droid. Well, look at that, they kept the droid in the family. Amazing. Well. As far as these things go anyway.” Hux stated. “And now, another asteroid field. Pilots pay attention. Let's see if this Kenobi and Fett are as skilled as that fellow in the last movie. Maybe this movie will turn out interesting and informative after all.” 

Stormtroopers in the back start feeling excitement for the first time, the pilots jump in their seats and Hux orders more popcorn. 

Kylo Ren just sinks into his seat, and grumbles. Kriffing Tatooine. This is going to be another long movie.


	2. Part 2

The crowd laughed at little Boba Fett's evil laugh. Captain Phasma, still trying to enjoy the holo as much as possible, as so far, she was not that impressed with the content, and questioned why Supreme Leader would insist they watch this particular historical document. The lack of stormtroopers, except for that previous scene in the cloning facility, was a disappointment as well. She was quite unimpressed with the Imperial troopers of the previous holo, and this particular era, she wanted to see for herself the clone troopers in action. And this man, the one in the ship with the boy, apparently was the DNA 'father' if you will, of all of the clones. 'Hmmm' she thought to herself, an asteroid field may have some action at least.

“Seismic Charges..fascinating how this pilot is using them. They seem to have an effect on the asteroids as well. Make note of this.” Hux calls out to his note takers.

“He's going into an asteroid! Watch out exogoths!” a FN-2199 says and high fives his compatriots as they laugh.

“I'm really surprised this Jedi man is even alive. He isn't much of a pilot at all.” A tie fighter pilot noted.

“Little Boba is having too much fun.” Lieutenant Mitaka said with a bit of a smile.

Kylo Ren elbowed him.

“Sir, why do you keep doing that? General Hux? Why am I always seated next to Kylo Ren, Sir?” Lieutenant Mitaka states.

“Are you questioning me, Lieutenant? Sit. Watch. Ren, behave.” General Hux said with authority.

Kylo Ren elbows Lieutenant Mitaka. “Stop whining, Mitaka, you know what I am capable of.”

Mitaka tries to crumple in the other side of the seat as much as possible.

“At least he seems to be able to use his wits, this Jedi fellow. We know he lives, at least long enough to become and old man ghost, that is. Kind of a spoiler though if you ask me.” General Hux remarks.

“Are you on the Jedi side now, Hux?” Remarks Ren.

Hux looks at him and growls.

“This child seems evil, Sir.” Captain Phasma remarks.

“Quite” Hux remarked.

“Back on that desert planet. That Naboo ship. My own armor was from scrap metal from a ship that was built on Naboo. I understand they were known for the shine. My own, however, came from the Emperor's personal yacht.” Phasma remarked.

The officers behind her chorused an “oooooooo”

“What a dismal place. No wonder he hated sand.” Remarked Kylo Ren.

“Indeed.” Noted Hux. “Oh, there's a protocol droid working there, Ren. Did anyone get Ren a protocol droid, yet?”

“I don't need a protocol droid, Hux.” Ren replied.

“But you seemed so taken with that one in the last holo. We honestly thought you might like one.” Hux said mockingly.

Kylo Ren growled under his mask.

'Oh Force! It's Threepio!' Kylo Ren thought to himself. 'AND HE KNOWS GRANDFATHER! Why does he look different' Kylo Ren then let out a “YES!” for everyone to hear.

“See, everyone, we should get Ren a protocol droid.” Hux states.

“I don't need a protocol droid!” Ren growls and thinks to himself, 'The famous Lars homestead. Luke Skywalker's humble beginnings.'

“Is he going to cry?” an officer says in back.

Kylo Ren looks back, intimidating with his helmet on, and the officer shuts up. Nothing is said, it doesn't have to be said. Just the turning, and the officer is trembling. “Thank you.” Ren says coldly.

“Wow the Senator is kind of cute.” Mitaka says.

Kylo Ren elbows him.

“Ow.” Mitaka decides to keep his mouth shut the rest of the movie. Why do they always make him sit with Kylo Ren?

“Ah! See now I know what this is. It was a factory for the battle droids. This may be informative after all.” Noted General Hux.

“Oh, these are the men who were after the Senator. I do believe though that Jedi Kenobi may be trying to catch insects or flying mammals in his mouth while he listens. This place doesn't seem to be the type of place where keeping your mouth wide open would be a good idea. One reason wearing full armor can be an asset as well, even when not on the battlefield.” Captain Phasma says.

“Yes, you are wearing your full armor right now, Phasma, and you have been able to avoid having butter dripping in your hair, unlike myself, thanks to Ren.” Hux then turns his head towards Kylo Ren.

Kylo Ren picks up some popcorn on the floor of the theater using the Force, then drops it on Hux's head. “I believe you asked for that, Hux.”

“Very amusing, Ren.” Hux growls. “Oh, this is Count Dooku.”

“Wait, was he on Palpatine's side, or against him, Sir?” Phasma asks. “He appears to be against him.”

“They were working together against the Jedi. It was only made to seem to be the Republic against the Separatists. Didn't you pay any attention to history?” Kylo Ren states.

Everyone just looks at him, befuddled.

“Ren, I really don't want to get into history with you again.” Hux states. “I believe though you may be correct.”

“Isn't this whole exercise about learning history, Hux? Really, now?” Ren replies.

Hux just rolls his eyes. He never likes it when Ren thinks he is right even if he may be.

“Tusken raiders? Strange creatures. Did the miners wipe them out?” Phasma asks.

No one seems to know.

“His mother?” Hux gulps, touches his eyes, tries to hold his composure.

“Are you all right, Sir?” Phasma asks.

“Yes, I am fine. It's just, well.” Hux says.

Mitaka is crying loudly. Kylo Ren steps up, walks towards the door, steps out, and comes back in.

“Ren, what was the meaning of that?” Hux asks

“Nothing.” Ren states firmly. His robes have a bit of moisture on the sleeve. His mask was getting misty and he needed to clean it a bit.

“What? He finds her and she just dies! What?” Someone shouts in the back.

Hux stands up, a little redness in his eyes, and says with authority. “You will SHUT UP!” and sits back down.

“Oh now, this reminds me of someone, but who, who?” Hux says looking over to Kylo Ren.

“Yeah, I can see this guy becoming Darth Vader now.” Someone says in the back.

“What is wrong with green troll?” Hux asks.

“He feels a change in the Force.” Kylo Ren says in a demeaning manner.

“It does that to him? Why?” Hux asks

“You are just ignorant to the Force, Hux.” Kylo Ren says, gripping his fist.

“It's all in his head, I am sure. Little green troll is probably crazy.” Hux says.

“Hux.” Kylo Ren grows angry starts to grab Hux with the Force, and Hux unable to move, still stares.

“Oh let him down, Ren. You two act like children sometimes.” Phasma says.

Kylo Ren lets Hux down.

Hux says to Phasma “Do not undermine me in front of my troops, Phasma. Ren, that will be all!”

Hux sits down.

Hux can't see how smug Kylo Ren's face is under his mask.

“You can be such kriffing bantha poodoo, Ren.” Hux said under his breath.

“What was that, Hux.” Kylo Ren asked.

“Nothing.” Hux replied.

“Hey, that sounds like that cool Darth Vader music from the last holo there for a bit.” Mitaka states.

“It does!” Phasma says with glee.

“I still find it hard to believe that they could feel that on another planet.” Hux says under his breath.

“Looks like someone's in trouble.” an officer says in the back.

“That Kenobi sure is peeved.” her seatmate remarks.

“Awww how sweet, she brought him some snacks. I need someone to bring me some more snacks, anyone?” General Hux orders. An officer gets up and goes out to get more popcorn.

“Anakin sure is moody, Sir.” Phasma states.

“He killed all of them, why is he crying? They had it coming. He should be pleased.” Hux states.

“Ooooo cool Darth Vader music again.” Mitaka says.

“You really like that theme, don't you Mitaka?” Hux says.

“I do, I really do, it's well, very cool, Sir.” Mitaka says.

“Indeed it is.” Kylo Ren says as Mitaka crunches over the other side of the seat, in case that also means another elbow aimed towards his direction. Relieved, he realizes it doesn't so Mitaka relaxes again.

“Looks like it's about to go down. I hope. So far, this has been underwhelming, Sir.” Phasma says.

“Oh, that must be how they got Threepio!” Kylo Ren says, not realizing he is saying it out loud.

“What did he say, Mitaka?” Hux says.

“He's talking about the protocol droid, Sir.” Mitaka says.

“What is it with you and that droid, Ren?” Hux says.

Kylo Ren says nothing.

“Who is that Senator? What kind of alien is that? Does anyone know?” Hux asks

Silence.

“I believe the alien is a Gran, Sir. I assume you mean the one with three eyes?” Phasma states

“Thank you, Phasma.” Hux answers.

“It's the green troll again. The Senator? Anyone?” Hux states.

Kylo Ren is quiet, even though he knows who he is.

“Why can't that 'Gungan' fellow speak for Senator Amidala? I thought that was his job?” Hux says. “No wonder the republic fell.”

Kylo Ren thinks to himself that Kenobi should have listened to Count Dooku, he may have had the right idea. Stupid Kenobi.

“Do you all see that this Count Dooku was telling Kenobi the whole story and he didn't believe it? What was wrong with him? He was supposed to be a wise Jedi and Dooku just told him what was going on with the Senate being corrupted by a Sith Lord.” Kylo Ren said.

“I suppose it's easy to observe that after the fact. Now that we know what we do about the Emperor, still he did bring order from the chaos. What happened to this Count Dooku, I want to know. Must look in the records and find the rest of his story. Make note of that.” Hux says as a few lower officers dab a few things into datapads, or at least pretend to look like they are.

“Oh, here is Senator Amidala's Gungan lackey finally getting with the program.” Phasma says.

A chorus of shhhhhh are behind her.

“Do you want to do snow removal after the holomovie?” She says.

Grumbles in the audience.

“See, he's humble, he really didn't want it.” Hux says.

“You fool, he is controlling all of them, this is what he wanted! He doesn't want them to know! Don't be blind! Didn't you read your history?” Kylo Ren says pounding his fist.

“Ren, you will control yourself. We don't know what the Emperor, or Chancellor thought.” Hux said.

Phasma whispers, “He's probably right, Sir.”

“Just who's side are you on, Phasma?” Hux says.

“The First Order and only the First Order, Sir.” Phasma says.

Hux just sits quietly, privately fuming, for what reason, he really knows not.

“OK, look at this. Anakin just flew around that asteroid field, Kenobi was flying into it, why didn't he go around it? It doesn't make any sense?” An officer said in the second row to Hux.

“Well, he was following that bounty hunter, that was probably his reasoning, though yes, why didn't he just wait for him to come out of it. Very curious indeed.” Hux said. “Not very impressive.”

“What is that place? The factory?” a voice in the back says.

“Now that man knows how to use a lightsaber.” Hux says obviously as a dig at Ren.

“Little cutie is going to get squished.” A stormtrooper in the back says.

Kylo Ren stands up, looks back and says “Who said that?”

They point to FN-2187.

“Oh Ren, let it go. We will have a talk with him later.” Hux says.  
Kylo Ren stares at the stormtrooper, of course he can't see his face, but he knows that Ren is giving him a look. FN-2187 sinks into his seat.

Kylo Ren sits back down, just in time to see C-3PO being pushed by R2-D2 into the factory. “Threepio! NO!”

Everyone looks at him.

“What is it with you and that droid?” Hux says.

“Would you stop saying that, he's obviously in trouble. He seems to be a good droid is all.” Kylo Ren says with a menacing voice.

Hux rolls his eyes as he sees the droid's panic and dilemma on screen.

“Artoo flies?” Kylo Ren exclaims.

“I have heard some astromechs do, Sir.” Phasma answers.

“It's amazing that you remember their pet names in this film, Ren. I never knew you had a fascination with droids.” Hux says.

“They have said them many times, Hux. I pay attention. I don't have a fascination with droids, Hux, it's just, it surprised me. Watch the movie.” Kylo Ren said in an annoyed tone.

“I wonder if the Senator will turn into a statue.” says Mitaka.

“Well, I want a flying astromech droid now, wonder where we can find one, or if we can have one built.” Hux asks.

“Maybe this is why Vader ends up in a suit. Looks like that man is going to get cut up.” Captain Phasma remarks.

“Lightsabers fritz out? Why am I not surprised.” Hux states. Kylo Ren turns his masked face towards him.

“Wait, is this a stormtrooper?” one in the back asks

“It's that bounty hunter in Mandalorian armor.” another says. “Remember that last holo? With the kid grown up? It looks like that.”

“She's not afraid to die? She's been dying since he came back into her life? Is he going to kill her? Oh no. It's getting sappy. I hate sappy.” Phasma says.

“No sense of romance, I take it Phasma. I must admit though, it's making me a bit queasy.” Hux responds.

Kylo Ren directs his line of vision towards Hux and not the holo. Hux is starting to retch a bit. Kylo Ren looks at the screen. “At least they don't say 'I know'.” Kylo Ren says.

“What is that supposed to mean, Sir?” Phasma asks.

“Nothing, Phasma, watch the movie.” Kylo Ren says.

Hux queasiness begins to recede, as possible imminent death begins to be a possibility.

“Rescue!” an officer snarfs. Hux gives a rare smile.

“Don't they speak basic?” Hux says.

“Ooooo carnage!” a pilot says in the back. A crowd give him a dirty look.

“Well look at her, she's amazing. Not a Jedi or anything and still is amazing. I'm quite impressed with this young Senator. I imagine she would have made a great soldier.” Captain Phasma states.

“She seems to use her wits. Very cunning.” Hux responds. “How did she get her manacles off?”

“Didn't you notice? She put something in her mouth when they chained her to the post.” Kylo Ren said.

“Interesting.” Hux said. “I thought you were going to say 'The Force'”

“Is that an insult aimed towards me?” Kylo Ren asks

“Why I would never insult you, Ren, now would I?” Hux responds.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhh, this is getting good.” some of the officers in the second row tell them.

“You know I can have you all shot.” Hux says, then sits down, thinking 'maybe this will be good, kriffing Ren.'

“More kissing. Unbelievable.” Phasma states. “They are fighting for their lives and they have time to kiss. Maybe she wouldn't be a good warrior after all.”

“No, this party has just begun.” Kylo Ren says adjusts himself and pays close attention. It isn't often one can witness such a massive battle of lightsabers. It just never existed in his lifetime.

“I didn't know lightsabers were so common in the Old Republic.” Phasma says.

“The agility on this, Windu is it?, quite impressive.” Hux states.

“Threepio, what did they do to you?” Kylo Ren says quietly.

“What did you say, Ren?” Hux says “What did he say Mitaka?”

“Something about the droid, Sir.” Mitaka said.

Hux shakes his head.

“A senator who is good with a blaster. Amazing.” Phasma says.

“We need more jet packs in the First Order.” Hux says. “What am I saying, you all would just play with them.”

“Someone help Threepio.” Kylo Ren says.

“The droid?” Hux says. “I think he will be ok, Ren.” Hux trying to show some compassion for once and remembering that maybe this droid is a weakness for Ren? Maybe getting him a protocol droid may be a means of calming him down? Control him? Is this same droid still around somewhere? Is there a way to find out? Why I am worrying about Ren and this droid? “Oh look, it's that astromech to the rescue. No worries, Ren.”

“Oh Threepio, always good with the one liners.” Kylo Ren says.

“Count Dooku is so polite.” notes General Hux,

“Here come the stormtroopers!” Captain Phasma says with as much excitement as she can muster, which isn't really very much, but noticeable enough to show a slight glee.

“Well, it looks like this isn't a battle where a lot of Jedi die.” Hux states.

“Threepio, you are ok.” Kylo Ren says quietly.

“That Fett kid. I bet he carries that pain forever.” An officer in the back notes.

“Some have colors. Can we get colors?” a stormtrooper asks.

“No.” Captain Phasma says. “Shhh”

“Death Star. The plans were in motion going way back.” Kylo Ren says.

“Yes, fascinating. Perhaps this is why we were asked to watch this holofilm.” Hux asks.

“We must not question Supreme Leader, Hux. You know that.” Kylo Ren said.

Hux gives him a look.

“These troopers seem a lot more effective than the ones in the Empire.” Phasma says.

“Ut oh, girlfriend dropped and he can't get a grip.” an officer says in the back.

“What is that coming out of his fingers?” Hux asks

“Force lightning. Don't you know anything?” Kylo Ren says smugly.

“Maybe she is a good warrior after all.” Phasma said. “I should have never underestimated her.”

“A bit cocky isn't he?” Hux says “And he loses an arm.”  
Kylo Ren gets a painful feeling in his own watching the scene.

“Here comes the troll again.” Hux says. “Just throw stuff around. Who needs weapons. Fascinating.”

“It's the Force, Hux. The Force.” Kylo Ren says.

“But see, Dooku there says skills are important, not just your precious Force. Look at that troll fly.” Hux says. “Fool, fell for a trick and let him get away to save his friend. He should have let it fall on him and killed the old man. Typical.”

“That Sidious, is he the Chancellor?” Phasma asks

“Yes, didn't you pay attention. Sidious, the Emperor, the Chancellor all the same person. A Sith Lord.” Kylo Ren said.

“Begun the Clone War has. Does that troll talk strangely or what?” Hux says. “What a glorious army though.”

“So you might be open to a clone army then, Hux?” Kylo Ren asks.

“Don't do this now, Ren.”

“Awww look, they got married, he got a new hand, just like that other guy in the other holo, and there's your droid, too, Sir.” Mitaka says. Kylo Ren elbows him.

“Owwww” Says Mitaka.

Hux ducks out quickly, a few noises are heard, then he comes back in.

“So much sentiment. Well anyway, I hope you all got something from that holofilm. Make sure you clean up after yourselves. Phasma, you stay and supervise. Ren, come wth me please.” Hux demanded.

Kylo Ren followed Hux out of the auditorium, almost walking in some spittle. Probably left by that awful Hux in his nauseated state.

“Supreme Leader wishes to talk with both of us. I got a message not long ago, and he wanted us to finish the holo first.” Hux said.

They both walked quietly and quickly to the chamber where Snoke's holo was visible.

“I see you both have arrived. I wanted your thoughts on the holo, Hux.”Snoke said.

“I really didn't see the point at all of watching it. Clone Army perhaps? The way the Emperor, I mean Chancellor created the war? The Death Star's birth?”

“Perhaps." He paused. "I want you to think on it, Hux. Leave us.” Snoke said.

He waited for Hux to leave. And then Snoke said. “Be careful. As you may have figured out, that was the beginnings of Darth Vader's own downfall. Remember what brought him down in the end? I don't want you to forget.”

“Sentiment, in your wisdom you have showed me that time and time again.” Kylo Ren said.

“Yes, and be careful of your own. That droid. I know it means something to you. Forget it.” Snoke answered.

“Yes, Supreme Leader.” Kylo Ren said.

“You may go.”

Kylo Ren returned to his chamber. He stared at Darth Vader's helmet, preparing to meditate, but all he could think of was “Sand, you hate sand?” and he chuckled to himself.

 

Thanks for reading. In my head cannon, it amuses me to think that Threepio was a very important part of Kylo Ren's childhood. I love the rivalry between Hux and Ren as well. I will probably do more of these. Thanks for the feedback.


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